I have been a part of this beautiful relationship with my husband since past few years and we have been married for two and a half years now. Two and a half years of been married to the person who I love. Yay!
I don’t know about other marriages but speaking of mine, I can say it’s been a journey full of amazing memories and of course blah times. And let me tell you, both can happen in a span of a day, hours or even minutes. We both are extremely short-tempered and I feel so proud of the fact that despite our short-tempered nature and thousands of disagreements, we happily wish to stay in this relationship till the end of time. It’s been one of the most difficult relationships ever, I believe. Our relationship has been through a lot. However, the fact is that we love each other enough to fight any freaking challenge which comes our way. I am glad that the times when we fight don’t last long, may be as long as a few hours. The worst of “wars” between us have failed to stay longer than four or five hours. Why? Because we understand one another enough to know that no matter what happens, we are together. We both care! No matter what we say to each other when we are pissed, we don’t mean that! No matter how many people are we sitting with in a room, he and I understand the unsaid. That’s what I believe should a marriage mean. My husband and I are two sides of a coin, like completely different from one another but does that take away from the fact that we share a common dream? NO! It’s ok to think differently, it’s okay! Respect that and you’ll have your marriage go through any difficulties which life has to throw.
Is it the petty things which subverts love stealthily from a relationship? The dirty socks on the floor. The wet towel on the nicely made bed. And before you even know it, you start feeling unloved or unappreciated. Ever felt this way?
Such things are evitable in a relationship. Yes, in all the relationships. It’s honestly impractical to find a human whose every habit, every move, every quirk syncs with yours. And the challenge in a relationship, specifically in a marriage is how you learn to negotiate with your partner’s irritating habits in such a way which does not alienate them and at the same time, keeps up the love and the connection between you two. Often times, a misunderstanding or a fight between a couple is not because of a major issue, it’s because of the pity differences in lifestyles.
A sock on the floor is a sock on the floor. We don’t have to make it an ego issue and claim to be a slave. It doesn’t have to be the next feminism war in the house. And if you are tired of telling them to keep the sock in the laundry basket, all you have to do is let it be where they have kept it so that they realize and get the hint and pick it up and place it in the basket. Sounds easy? But this doesn’t happen. In reality, you start building a perception of your partner, about them being careless, about them not helping you out and them being selfish. With time, you start looking for evidence to prove your stand and of course you find them! That’s when the ideal partner who you started dating starts becoming, well, less ideal or may be one of your “wrong decisions.”
Start by focusing on the behavior which you find troublesome. For example, the first wet towel on the bathroom floor was mildly irritating however, the hundredth unleashed a hypersensitive reaction. Why? It’s the same wet towel. The same person. Does your partner ever realize the extent of irritation you feel every time they place the wet towel on the bed. Try to put it across in a very polite and nice manner. And even if they are not able to let go of this quirk, is it a reason enough to let go of that bond which you both have cherished together? If they aren’t anymore with you, are you not going to miss that wet towel on the bed? I still remember when I was a kid, my uncle and aunt had visited us once and my uncle used to snore so loudly that anyone two blocks away could hear him snore. When I asked my aunt how she stands it every single night, she said, “When I hear his snoring, I know he is home safe, alive and well.” This is when I realized that snoring is not the issue, however even when I heard him snore so loud, I got so irritated and was amazed at how aunt was keeping so well with it. We treat every such action as a deliberate attempt to irritate us – we start thinking the other person doesn’t care about us. Unfortunately, such quirks are not deliberate and there are so many things which we do without thinking.
Initially, I had a lot to complaint about my husband and so had he. One thing which I feel was common was our complaint of the other being stubborn and not giving in. Why? Why would both of us feel the same for each other. The reason was the simple fact that neither of us was ready to give up on our EGO!
Let’s talk about yelling at each other. One consistent pattern of every couple. Relatable? Why does a person yell? Do you realize that yelling is a cry for help? So, when me and my husband entered our relationship for the first time, everything was so perfect until one day he yelled at me. The first time he yelled at me. I was hurt. What did I do? I yelled back at him and left the place. I see this as a culture clash wherein both of us have different approaches towards the indifferent behavior of the other. When he yelled, I left the room. This led to heartache. “You promised you won’t leave, Komal!” he said.
“You said you weren’t going to yell.” I said and stormed off. My furious then-boyfriend followed me and all of a sudden, I jumped from behind the door, “Booo!”
We both laughed so hard that we forgot the fight. Though I feel I was successful in bringing a halt to the hurtful behaviour, however, I feel that in such a situation, instead of yelling back and making the situation even more worse for the both of us, I should have noticed that no matter how badly my feelings were getting hurt, my boyfriend was unable to support me and he certainly doesn’t mean what he was saying at that point in time.
So, the next time this happened, I said ‘’You can yell, you can scream, you can do whatever you want to, but I love you and you can’t get rid of me.’’ Every relationship needs someone who breaks the pattern and be there and not run. Why not me?
I have been lucky to be married to the most amazing person in this world, although I don’t tell him this often. He has, by far, always supported and guided me in the right direction and so have I, at least I would like to believe so! The amount of understanding we both share with each other is immense and I take pride in it.
So, let’s try and let an ice-cube be an ice-cube and not make it an ice-berg. I think that this is the way to keep up a healthy relationship.